And that scares me.

 Recently, I've really been doubting the reason for friendship. My friends online are great - I love them, I trust them, and I feel like I can tell them anything. And that scares me. Why? Because I don't feel that connection with my friends offline. Even my best friend, Jess, I can't tell everything to. I hate myself for it, but it's true. While I throw around personal information offline easily, I tell more secrets and rant a lot more online because I feel uncomfortable doing it offline. Even when I talk to my friends offline on the computer, I can't talk to them the way I talk to my online friends.

But that's not the point.

Jess will almost definitely be moving away (to London or Yorkshire, most likely), for reasons I'm not allowed to tell you, and I can't help but think that I'll be so alone once she's left. Yes, I have other friends, but when I think of spending time at school without Jess, I can only imagine sitting by myself in the library, reading quietly all lunch time. But I know that's not how it'll be, because I don't spend every waking moment with Jess - we spend lunch and breaks apart sometimes, and I'm always with other friends in those cases, but I just can't imagine it being that way.

And that makes me wonder ... why are my other friends so insignificant in this future fantasy of mine? Why can't I imagine myself laughing and having fun, like we usually do?

I think I know, but I'm not sure. Jess and I, we have so much in common. We both love to read, we have similar taste in books and music, we share the same views on things (i.e. make-up is pointless, most chart music is awful, stereotypes are horrid, etc.), and we talk to each other about things I wouldn't dare talk to my other friends about. We have a connection that my other friends and I don't have. They all like chart music, dress like chavs, wear make up and skirts, obsess over the opposite gender, call me weird or boring when I don't want to do what they want to do. When Jess leaves, I won't be able to talk to anyone about Cinema Bizarre or DFTBA Records. I won't be able to say what I really think about other people, or do certain things without shame. So, in these areas, I will honestly be alone. And that scares me. I spent so long before knowing Jess, being called names because of what I like, and not being able to talk about it with anyone, and then I finally found someone who I can share things with, and after just a couple of years, I'm losing her again.

I can't stand that thought.

My other friends are great, too, and I love them, but they're just too different, and they start to get annoying. One of them flirts too much and goes out of his way to annoy people; another two get fangirlishly excited over quantum physics and stuff I just don't understand; another is racist; another I've never liked and I never will - a "frenemy"; another can't even remember my own name (and the fact that's she's only been at the school a little while is no excuse - she's been here long enough!); and another has to turn everything towards relationships and can't accept it when she's wrong.

And that brings me onto my next point. Over the past week, I've steadily been growing closer to two guys in my form, Tyler and Owen. For the past two years, I paid hardly any attention to them, but recently, for some God-unknown reason, I've been talking to them more often, and I kind of consider them to be friends, now. I'm closer to Owen than I am to Tyler, I'm more comfortable with him and we talk more often, but that doesn't mean to say I consider him any more of a friend than Tyler. That friend who can't accept she's wrong is persistent on Owen and I liking each other.

It started the other day when she came back to school after being ill. Owen and I were laughing over something he'd said, and she leans over and whispers "He fancies you." Which is honestly ridiculous. Then, in Spanish today, the four of us sat in a row - Tyler, Owen, Me and Her (from right to left). Owen and I were talking about something when James - a boy in my class - turns around and says that he thinks Owen and I would make a good couple. We denied it profusely, and Ciaran - who was next to James - laughs and points out that Owen had turned red. Bear in mind, it's really hot at the moment, so Owen was already red. But anyway ... My friend decides to join in, saying that we've been "blantantly flirting" with each other for the past week, and that we so obviously fancy each other. When we don't. Because we're just friends. If we can even call each other that yet.

Besides, maybe it's just me, but I don't think that showing me pictures of the girl he fancies is "blatantly flirting". What do you think? Because personally, I don't see it.

So, to summarize, I'm getting sick of my offline friends and I wish that they were as fantastic as my online friends, because they're so much better. And I'm starting to wonder why we need friendship, if it's just going to end up in the Graveyard of Friends sooner or later. It's weird how I'm thinking this as I'm losing one friend, and making two new ones.

But even so, no one can replace Jess.

And that scares me.

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But in brighter news, I've passed twenty-five books on my Book Count, I've finished Pita-Ten, and I've found HPFC. And I have the most adorable baby cousin ever.


Keep blogging!

TO-DO LIST.
-- Catch up on Neighbours
-- Watch Vampires in Venice
-- Write up RPG rules for KWC and 'Secret Forum Project'
-- Arrange with friend who's going to write which rules for Secret Forum Project
-- Finish Pita-Ten.
-- Finish Eagle Strike.
-- Make blog skin.
-- Make Secret Forum Project Header Banner
-- STAMPS! (I know what I mean. Don't ask xD)
-- Watch Death Note
-- Watch OHSHC